Prank the Monkey: The ZUG Book of Pranks

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Monkey vs. Moby-Dick

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  • Conclusion

  • Conclusion

    Finally, finally, they catch up to the goddamn whale, on PAGE 523. Imagine reading a 523-page encyclopedia entry on whales, followed by a brief chase scene, and that's Moby-Dick.

    Let me sum it up for you, and save you several months of pain: crazy Captain Ahab had his leg bitten off by a white whale named Moby Dick (no hyphen). He goes on a twenty-year voyage (maybe it was shorter, it seemed like twenty years) to seek revenge on the whale. Numerous dark omens show themselves to the superstitious sailors, and only an idiot could not figure out the ending. "But maybe Melville switches it up, rewards the reader for trudging through this piece of crap, makes everything end happily." No, Rhetorical Lad, Melville does exactly what you expect him to do. The crew finds Moby Dick, they take chase, and the whale kills them all. Every character dies, except Ishmael, who survives to tell the story. The only flaw in the story is that Moby Dick should have turned around and eaten Ishmael, so that he could not have written Moby-Dick.

    There. Now you've read it. Sure, there's all kinds of symbolism as well. The whale, for instance, represents the enormous waste of time that is this book. The blowhole of the whale represents how much this book blows. There, she blows. I said it.

    Moby-Dick is also full of philosophical musings on the nature of humanity and reality, none of which will make you any happier in life. Unlike PRANK THE MONKEY, which is not only hilarious, but also teaches you valuable tips (like how to get off junk mail lists for good).

    If either of my kids is ever forced to read this shitty novel in school, I will start one of those committees to get Moby-Dick removed from the curriculum. My children have better things to do, like play videogames.

    Moby-Dick is one of the worst books I have ever read. In terms of great literature, it ranks between Betty White's autobiography, and the nutrition information label on a jar of Vegemite.

    Both our books, ironically, end in death. But only Moby-Dick makes you actually want to die.


    Dick: 0

    Monkey: 10


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